please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
