I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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