i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The power of my boobs compel you
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
