its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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