Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
