last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
