woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you win again, gameday.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
