chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
