If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
