Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
