turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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