i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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