Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
