I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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