There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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