my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
