why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
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