his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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