The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You pole danced in your parka.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
