I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My ATM looks so different sober.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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