Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
