they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My dick has a subreddit
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
