i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
