Swine flu. Run for my life!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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