my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
