am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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