New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
