You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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