I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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