see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
