Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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