i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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