did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
