Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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