The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
