I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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