You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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