I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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