I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
