My Higher Power is John Stamos
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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