so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
