I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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