hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm both gender and math confused
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
