Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
