I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
