my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
