I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
