I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Come share oat with me in your robe
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
