Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
