Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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