Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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