Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
